Sunday, March 18, 2012

your average campaign speech seen everywhere

Good Morning future generation of policy makers. We are gathered here today to discuss the one most significant event in the history of attending school. It is the event that determines who shall become the president. And today, I stand before you, humble and meek, as a candidate for president. I am like you, tired and frustrated by what I see around me. Where is that spark of joy that should come when we are at school that was guaranteed by the current president, or other candidates, for that matter? Where those policies that are are suppose to better the current conditions and improve the standards of the school? I ask you, where are they? Unfortunately, I am the bearer of this burden to tell you that they don’t exist under the current administration and that the other candidates are no different from the current president.  Our lives are at stake. (Sentimental Appeal). We need change, and on this auspicious day, I present myself to you that I can make those differences.

Let me demonstrate to you the elements that make up a real president. Presidents are always making decisions, and like me, I make decisions every day, therefore it can only make sense that I am the right candidate for president.  I have to ponder about the whether I should wear a skirt or pants everyday Friday, as my moral obligation to the school. These are tough choices that only a president can make. (Faulty Analogy). As a student too, struggling under this injustice of failed policies, I can tell you that the future with me as your president is the only way for you to survive. You can put your trust in me because I know what you need. I am in your shoes, your condition, your life.

We need a system of rights that should be granted to everyone one of us. I can provide the resources for that system to function once I am elected president. Without this system of order and trust, we will all fall into the abyss of destruction and woe, a bleak future destined to work at McDonalds, or as laborers of the dirt road, toiling in the sun for scraps. (Scare Tactic). We need a revolution. And it begins with your vote for me. We need policies that work, policies that can save our future for sure. In this competitive world, we need stability. We need a new leader to take us to those heights. You need someone to offer you a successful future on a silver platter. You need that future. You need me. (False Need).  

This brings me to a moral concern for you good people. I need to reveal to you that other candidates are not qualified for this job. I may hurt the feelings of those candidates, but we need to keep in mind that they are doing the same thing to us. (Moral Equivalence). They will be attacking our integrity. They will be armed, all in an attempt to annihilate my humble and meek campaign of honesty and righteousness. (Stacked Evidence). They say they will make better policies, but they have never considered what effect that may have on other individuals. Have they even remotely thought about the people who may not want those policies enforeced? No. (Straw Man). This lack of empathy is the one most obvious characteristic of dictators, and this lack of empathy is what makes them dictators. (Non-sequitar).  Let us examine them.

Look at Thomas’s speech, he is completely and utterly unashamed to promote drinking with his Shirley Temples and what not. This makes him a bad influence and therefore, not one suited for president. (Guilt by Association). Look at Tristan, and how he teaches us how to shade snoopy. He is clearly corrupting snoopy into a shady criminal, and that in itself, makes him a criminal too. (Equivocation). And how about the other criminal? Krikki, let me ask you this: when was the last time you vandalized someone’s face? (Complex question). And Betty, what are you hiding under those gifts, why are you teaching us how to wrap? Perhaps those aren’t skills to wrap; they are skill to make bombs! (Red Herring). Or Janelle, innocently teaching us how to make parfaits, when all she is doing is sabotaging our lives through those fattening snacks, leading us to a lonely life and eventually death. (Slippery Slope). We don’t want a Jessica, an evil pompous self-righteous leader, of one that imposes proper etiquette like in the Victorian Ages. (Ad Hominem).  Nor do we want a leader who is only concerned about hair. All Tiffany has taught us is how to brush your eye lashes and curl your hair, is that who you want as a president? (Hasty generalization). No. Neither do we want a leader like Rachel who cannot distinguish one type of food from another. I have an A in Algebra, and I know that fried rice and cupcakes don’t go together. (False Authority). She must be crazy to propose that.

Let’s reflect on what I have taught you: how to tie a tie, not some scarves that are not even practical, like in Mandy’s speech. (Authority over Evidence).  70% of the students find scarves less helpful for school, this means ties are more superior and helpful, which is what I have taught you. (Bandwagon Appeal). If I hadn’t revealed to you this, then you would have probably picked her or any other candidate who would have made you slaves to their erratic policies. I am the right choice, because everyone else is a bad choice. (Begging the question).  It’s either me as president, working towards the brightest future of success, or its’ the way down the dark road with failures and disastrous futures with other candidates. (Either/Or Choices). As your president I will make sure that my policies will benefit everyone. No one under my administration no one will get left behind. With this policy as your president, not only will your futures be vibrant and lavished, it will also change the fate of all the other students who need a direction, thus promoting greater good towards a better economic system in order to obtain world peace and happiness. (Post Hoc).

1 comment:

  1. This absolutely slayed me. Your best work EVER. 25/20.